List Blinkist (2020)
List Blinkist Total
Released: March 12, 2024
New York Times Bestseller
If life were a house, then every room holds a story. What do we do when a room we’re in is no longer a room where we belong?
Making the decision to stay or to leave a room
Like it or not, life is full of big, difficult decisions. A lot of them can be summed up by the title of that popular Clash song from back in the day, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” This question can apply to jobs, relationships, and living situations, just to name a few.
Like that Clash song, this question can get stuck in your head, repeating over and over without ever resolving itself. What we’re going to do is help you to get rid of this earworm and make a decision, with purpose, wisdom, and grace.
The central metaphor in helping to attain this wisdom is to think of your life as a house in which each commitment, community, role, and relationship represents a room. The author prompts us to assess these rooms carefully and thoughtfully. What does it feel like to be in these rooms? Does it feel good? Bad? Indifferent?
Many times, the decision to stay or leave isn’t straightforward. In some cases it can be painful to recognize when a room no longer serves us, especially if it once felt like home. In other cases it can be confusing. You might feel at home in a room that no longer aligns with your values, or no longer provides the growth you’re looking for.
It can be especially difficult to come to terms with a desire to leave a room in which we’ve invested a lot of time and emotion.
To help figure out what’s right for us – to better understand the rooms we’re in – the author recommends the concept of pointing and calling, which is borrowed from James Clear’s book Atomic Habits. This is a valuable tool for self-awareness in times of change.
All it takes is the focused intention to look at the rooms you’re in, point out truths you see, and call attention to hidden aspects of a situation. How do they really make you feel? What’s working and what’s not working?
There’s also wisdom in identifying the ending – the different ways we exit rooms. Is it an anticipated, forced, or chosen ending? By understanding the nature of our departures, we can better navigate the transitions and make peace with the changes. Each type of departure brings its own challenges, as well as its own opportunities for growth.
But perhaps the most important tool for understanding what to do next is to remember your path. You can do this by reflecting on our personal guideposts, which the author identifies as your spiritual personality and your core values. These guideposts illuminate our path and help us make decisions aligned with our authentic selves.
Your spiritual personality refers to your unique way of experiencing and expressing spirituality. Your spiritual personality encompasses your beliefs, practices, and experiences related to the divine or transcendent aspects of life. You can reflect on questions such as: What brings you a sense of connection or meaning? How do you experience awe, wonder, or reverence? What practices or rituals nourish your soul? By recognizing and embracing your spiritual personality, you can better cultivate a sense of inner peace and purpose, and know in which rooms you belong.
Likewise, core values are the fundamental beliefs and principles that guide your behavior, decisions, and interactions with the world. They represent what matters most to you and serve as a moral compass for navigating life’s choices and challenges. Identifying your core values involves reflecting on questions such as: What virtues do you admire and aspire to embody? What principles do you prioritize in your relationships and endeavors? What qualities do you want to cultivate in yourself and others? By clarifying your core values, you can live with greater authenticity, integrity, and alignment with your true self.
The last tool in this section is to practice changing your mind. This is, essentially, a way of embracing the difficult challenge of change. Life isn’t about maintaining a status quo or continuing to hold on to the same beliefs. It’s about growth and change, even when it’s uncomfortable or unexpected.
The author shares a poignant personal story that really underlines this truth. Some time ago, a couple of people joined the congregation of the Christian church she’d been part of for many years. They were two women who were in a loving, committed relationship. The author had befriended one of the women. But then, one Sunday, a sermon was delivered by a guest teacher who casually mentioned the “sin of homosexuality,” causing the two women to stand up and walk out of the church.
The author also walked out, to try to talk to the couple and console her friend, but she was ultimately at a loss for words. From that moment, and in the days that followed, the author was faced with a reckoning – an internal conflict that found her going through all the steps we’ve mentioned in this section. Should she stay or should she go?
In the next two sections, we’ll get into more detail about what happens at this stage in the decision process, and how we can navigate life’s existential dilemmas.
How to navigate the hallways of life
When you’ve finally decided to leave the room you’ve been in, that doesn’t mean you automatically enter another room. Often, there’s a period of time in which we find ourselves between rooms. To continue the metaphor, we’re in one of life’s many hallways.
The hallway represents a space of permission, where we’re allowed to ask questions that our current circumstances might not permit. It’s a pause, a moment to clear our heads, weigh our options, and remember who we are. This section focuses on the importance of discernment in navigating life’s transitions.
Discernment is a contemplative time that precedes a decision. It’s a process that allows us to truly understand ourselves, our values, and our connection to our community and spirituality. By practicing reflection and being attentive to our inner reality, we can cultivate discernment and make choices aligned with our truest selves.
At its core, discernment should be a process by which we move away from binary thinking and embrace the complexity of decision-making. Rather than seeking clear-cut answers, we should focus on understanding the nuances of our situations and how our choices align with our values and relationships. During this time, we should acknowledge the presence of others and yield to the subtle guidance of intuition and external signs.
When we’re in the hallway, an issue may arise as to whether we’re seeking peace or simply avoiding the difficult matter of making a decision. But let’s embrace the fact that true peace is not merely the absence of discomfort or conflict, but rather an inner alignment with our values and identity. The book encourages us to pay attention to our bodies and emotions, distinguishing between healthy fear and avoidance. It urges us to embrace discomfort as part of the journey toward alignment and wholeness.
The hallway is also a time to acknowledge the tension between feeling ready and recognizing when the timing is right. To help with this, there are practical tools like breath prayers and mantras to help navigate this uncertainty, reminding us that finding where we belong is an ongoing process that requires patience and self-awareness.
One effective two-word mantra is “for now.” You can repeat this phrase frequently as a way to stay centered and patient, knowing that – as difficult as things may be at the moment – the current situation is temporary.
Another tool is the breath prayer. Here’s one you can use when you’re feeling prepared but the timing isn’t quite right: breathe in while saying to yourself, “For now,” and then breathe out while saying, “I will wait.” Or, “For now, I’m held in love.”
Conversely, if you find yourself hesitant but realize the time has come to move ahead, practice breath prayers like “Let in what is” on the inhale and “Let go what isn’t” on the exhale. Through the repetition of these prayers, you can cultivate a sense of peace and acceptance, embracing the journey of discernment with courage and clarity. Remember, uncertainty does not mean you lack direction, and finding your sense of belonging is a gradual process that unfolds over time.
Endings and closure can often be accompanied by pain and uncertainty. But you are encouraged to find meaning and growth in these transitions. These moments in life are just that – part of life, and often a time when we gain wisdom and maturity. So move forward with courage and hope.
In the last section we’ll pick up the story of what happened to the author and learn how to enter a new room with both strength and empathy.
Final Summary
There are questions and tools you can use to assess your current situation and discern whether it’s time to leave a particular room. Techniques like pointing and calling and checking in with your personal guideposts can prompt reflection and help you to gain clarity and insight into the decision-making process. After leaving a room, you’re encouraged to spend time in the hallway, engaging in a process of discernment. Don’t make decisions in haste, instead, look to those closest to you, listen to your own feelings, and consider what you’ve learned before making the next step. These reflective exercises serve as tools for self-discovery, growth, and empowerment. They’re designed to help you navigate life’s transitions with clarity, resilience, and authenticity. With this purposeful process, you can then enter a room with the confidence of a leader, and as someone who is attuned to those you’re joining.
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